Salvini and Vannacci replaced by Putin, choose Moscow Kyiv | The Sheet

Pictures of everyday life from the fictional (but real) Kremlin.He declared loyalty and scandalous votes in Ukraine.Putin sees the confusion of the Italian authorities.

Salvini and Wenatchee watched by Putin, vote for Kiev with your heart in Moscow

Scenes of daily life from the fictional (but very realistic) Kremlin.They declared their loyalties and voiced embarrassment over Ukraine.Putin notes the confusion of the Italian kings

Scenes of everyday life from the West's most misunderstood meeting room.

Last night in the Moscow Kremlin. In Stalin's former office - now with considerably improved taste in furniture, to say the least in Uzbek carpets - Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin was staring at two open files on a mahogany desk. Two photographs.Two Italians.

On the left, in a folder called "Operation Mojito" is the immortal Matteo Salvini in front of Red Square on a famous excursion.On the right, in a folder titled "Operation Alberto Sordi," Roberto Vannachchi enjoys the camera with his big foot up.The photo is taken from the film "Chi" by Alfonso Signorini.The Russian secret service has a subscription.

"Comrades," said Putin - correcting himself, because the term is not fashionable even in Moscow - "Um, I want to say "friend", we have a problem with Italian. Until yesterday, these two offered a unique package, like a supermarket, two for one. Now they are arguing. Who is with us? ".

The most important people in Russia listen to him at the table.

To Putin's right is Defense Minister Andrei Belousov, an economist appointed by the president to oversee the military for the same reason accountants are appointed to oversee a circus.That is, someone must have audited the accounts. On the left, Sergei Naryshkin, Director of SVR - Služba Vnešnej Razvedki, Foreign Intelligence Service.It was once called the KGB and was renamed for the same reason.Because the restaurant with three boxes of Salmonella reopened like a "bistro" at the end of the table, Dmitri Peskov, the spokesman, who was the great: here he is, in the Kremlin, they gave him a week's worth of pens, scissors, mystery.And he won't bother.

The head of the special service, Naryshkin, cleared his throat."Vladimirovich, President, if possible... our analysts have prepared a seven-hundred-page report on the situation.Let me sum up."

"The Stoccafisso source - referring to another photo of Salvini, taken during a rally, an expression of challenge, indigestion and love for the motherland all at once - is our historical investment. A classic. A reliable one. No euro, yes cocktails, pacifism, disarmament, etc. You always talk. Even a t-shirt does not show much love with your face in Red Square.

Putin raised an eyebrow, which in its uniqueness was clearly equal to the emotion.

Instead of the source, the ostrich feather — here referring to the image of General Wannaki, the head of the Secret Service, in his robes, his eyes piercing the horizon (to the east) — is a recent product. He writes books on the military. We've bought a lot of them on Amazon, about galleys, about women, about everything. Players, obviously, he's a patriot, so Italy and Europe and NATO.He wants to disarm.

"And practically?" Putin asks.

"In practice, now the two hate each other. Vanacci founded his own movement, he wants the votes that belonged to Salvini, and Salvini wants the votes that Vanacci wants to take from him. It's a bit like the little problem we had with the Wagner brigade. Remember? Except Prigozhin at least cooked well."

At that moment, Belousov, the saving defense minister, intervened.

You are here.Decree of Ukraine.The real reason for the meeting.

Putin stood up.Walked to the window.See Moscow lit up.He turned around.

"Tomorrow in Montecitorio, Italians will give a vote of confidence in Ukraine's decree. What will our friends do?".

Narykhkin checks the tablet."Vladimirovich, the situation is complicated. Stukafiso, i.e. Salvini, is in the government. In the government with those who send weapons to Zelensky. So he will vote for this decree, but he makes it clear that deep down he does not want it.

Putin nodded.He knows technology very well.

"Vannacci, that's 'Ostrich Feathers', on the other hand, is a member of the European Parliament. He doesn't vote in Montecitorio. Even if he has three or four deputies. But he will speak. He will say something against Ukraine, against weapons, against the world in reverse, which sends cannons instead of flowers. That's what we will need."

"So," said Putin, with characteristic icy patience, "one vote pretends to be against Ukraine, while the other is against Ukraine, but cannot vote. Am I right?"

"That's it, Vladimirovic. As always, you know everything better than anyone."

There is a long silence.Silence in the Kremlin can have many meanings, none of them pleasant.

Peskov, the speaker, stopped cutting the elephant with scissors and ventures: "Can we finance both? Separately? Without them knowing, so neither is offended?"

Kurabitur in dictum ipsum.et illum torvis.Peskov," dryly taking his surname, "we already followed those two when they united, and the result was Salvini in government and voting for arms to Ukraine.It's certainly not a stellar performance.It is also very true that our bad oligarchs are investing. Let us avoid the only wise man in Italy: Matteo Renzi".

"But Vladimirovic..." Minister Belousov interrupted suddenly."We have always known how to deal with difficult partners. The Bulgarians, the Romanians, the Cubans, the Syrians... We can always handle two Italians arguing."

Putin looked at him sympathetically. "Andrei Removich, we lost Syrians six months ago. Assad is here, outside my door, walking the streets, and no one knows what will make him do. Don't give me examples."

But suddenly Putin has an epiphany.It is not a genocide."And the Five Stars?" he asked in the voice of someone clinging to the trunk.The last hope.

"Vote against that order. Of course."

"Finally. Who's leading them?"

"Former prime minister. Twice president. With two opposing governments. Far right and far left."

"Twice prime minister with two opposing governments?".

"This is a professional. What's his name?"

Putin notices the name.Then he looks at the portrait of Peter the Great that hangs on one of the walls in his room.Peter the Great never, in all his glorious existence, relied on "stock fish", "ostrich feathers" and "Giuseppi" to protect Russia's interests abroad.Good luck to him.

The events narrated are entirely the result of the imagination.Any resemblance to the real shame of those who today are forced to vote for Kiev with their hearts in Moscow is purely, painfully, purely coincidental.